Bad Dreams

I feel like I messed up becoming an adult, that is if even you can even call me one know. Is there a list of criteria you must fulfill? If so, I think I am lacking in a couple. I feel like my posts as of lately, and if not forever (up to this date in time), have been quite - whiny? I feel irresponsible about all my responsibilities, as well. I am late on everything, and to some point drastically behind in some (i.e. bills, knowledge, life...) to where I feel I cannot catch up.

I was thinking about when I was a kid -- teenager to be exact -- and while high school was [Hell] I liked that time. I explored many parts of my life and contributed to a ton of things. I am nowhere lazier now than when I was a teenager; however, my point is that I feel some of this adult stuff is for the birds. (<--- adult idiomatic expression)

I wish I went about things differently. I wish I was more strategic about many aspects of my life, rather than being so blatantly blissful to my surroundings. I never should have been involved with solicited credit that young, I should have had a better savings account, I should have kept some previous jobs, I should not have thought I could coast. Now, since I went against everything I should have done I am struggling now. I can divert my attention away from the obvious for some time, but then there are times like these where I reach a point where I cannot understand how I going to make it.

I am trying my best (or am I?) and I still feel like I am drowning.

Stupid decisions stop ...now!

While their souls are still searching for the light...

I never felt so different in all of my life. This year has brought upon so much change, so much. I remember feeling security a couple years ago. A newly enrolled freshman at a small college, but ready for the experience. Sure, it wasn't anything comparable to a big ten campus, or anything like that; however, I still had a lot of fun and filled my life with unforgettable memories.

Now, as of recently, I feel like this year has brought upon the worst of ...things. From the passing of my grandmother and to my diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes - now to my sister and her recent medical problems. Ugh. This year blows! I mean, really - WHY!?

I feel like I am struggling in school again, too. I just want a sense of balance. I feel overwhelmed with everything around me and everything that is going on. City and Colour's "Waiting..." is playing right now and I cannot relate anymore to the words he is singing...

Being a part of something...

I am excited for today, like really excited. I think with the change of seasons (even though, technically Autumn isn't until the 23rd of September) I get way more positive and happier. I guess that is why it is my favorites season.

Purdue University - Calumet Men's Cross Country, 2011

Anyways, back to today, we pick up all our XC gear today: uniforms, new shoes, socks, warm-up suit, sweatpants, hoodies, shirts (short and long sleeve), backpacks, and skullcaps(?). I know its just stuff and makes me sound really materialistic, but it is more than that ...if you ever played on a team. Or if not, maybe. Those clothes represent something to each of us on the team. It is a sign and symbol of our hard work and determination. We will be representing a team (first in history) at many Chicago-land area meets and invitationals, and, hopefully, the CCAC Championship. It feels good to belong and to be a part of something.

On another note, (which is, again, making me sound like a stereotypical, materialistic, American) the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back at Starbucks! Yeah, I know, shut it, but it too reminds me of Autumn. Which, also means Autumn brews ...that I just happened to pick up one blend this past weekend (Sierra Neveda's Tumbler).

Now, it is time I get ready for the day, head to breakfast with Cassie, then off to my long day of classes.